Tag: love

From Warrior to Citizen: Why leaving the Military (ETS) Has Been One of the Most Difficult Decisions of My Life

On By trustmeimnotadrIn Food for Thought, life, military, peace, Random ThoughtsLeave a comment

Leaving the military has been by far the most difficult decision I have ever made and I never really sat down to try and understood the real reason why it was so difficult until now.

For those of you who may or may not know, back in 2006, I had just turned 19 when I joined because I was flunking pretty much every single one of my college classes. The military became a “scapegoat” of sorts so I wouldn’t have to deal with the cruel, harsh realities of the real word such as studying (yuck) or growing up (booo!).

What I never thought was that after 11 years of service, and finally deciding it was time to move on, that it would be the most painfully difficult decision of my life.

I have been extremely vocal throughout my military career about the “best”and “worst”parts of my career choice, however I never really considered why it was so painful for me, as an individual. So much so that I wrote about some valuable lessons I learned during my military career which you can read about here.

My mother passed away of complications due to cervical cancer on Wednesday, May 30th, 2007. The last time I saw her I was in my Class-A’s (at the time we wore the Army Green’s) after graduating from Basic Training, the approximate date would be right around mid March 2007. This would be the last time I would ever see my mother before she passed away.

I had already made peace with every other part of leaving the military but the real reason it hurt so much was because it was the last thing I had left in my life that reminded me of my youth, most importantly, the last moments of a life that included my mother. The last embrace, hug, kiss, comforting words that I ever gave to her were whilst wearing my Army Green’s and that to me is something that I took so seriously for so many years.

Deciding to finally take off my Army uniform for good means having the courage of letting go of these beautifully painful memories and it was something that I was not ready to do for so long. Perhaps this is the most difficult decision I have ever made because of my fear of letting go and forgetting everything she has ever meant to me.

I promise you this, Sandra I. Lopez Castro (my mothers full name), I will never forget what you meant to me or my siblings. You were the light that filled my life with inspiration, you were the voice that whispered into my ear when I was about to give up over a million times and convinced me that I was way more than I ever imagined.

I will never forget your ever lasting love and I promise you, that I do not need a uniform to remind me of you and the grace you have placed upon me and all of my brothers and sisters. I love you more than you will ever know and that’s what hurts the most…

Written by: Del Rivers

20 Going on 30: Five Things I Would Travel Back in Time to Tell my 20 Year Old Self (PT. 1)

On By trustmeimnotadrIn Food for Thought, humor, life, peaceLeave a comment

As some of you may or may not know, I just turned 30 yesterday which means this past weekend was my last chance to do something crazily stupid, like lighting trash cans on fire, getting so drunk I piss myself, or taking a massive post bean burrito shit on someone else’s lawn and being able to blame it all on “being young and naive since I’m in my twenties”. I did none of that this weekend (unfortunately) but I’ll tell you what I did do, reflect on the last decade of my life in the most objective way possible. It’s only natural to look at your youth with nostalgia since these were years that you will never get back, however among all of the greatness that you want to think you had there’s a big heaping pile of shitty moments; you were just too much of an immature naive asshat to realize how shitty they really were. Although I don’t believe in having regrets, there are a few words of advice I would give my impressionable 20 year old self and cross my fingers that “younger me” would actually listen and not assume that the dude who just traveled through time (hopefully in a DeLorean!) to give him this list was obviously some whack job who is high on shrooms and PCP. With that being said, here are 5 things I would go back and tell myself 10 years ago:

  1. Learn to let go of people who are bad for you: When I was 20, I thought I had it all figured out and was grabbing the world by it’s sweaty balls. One of the things I struggled with was having the ability to be more selective when it came to the people around me. I would purposely stay in relationships that we were constantly lying, cheating, overall hurting each other in every imaginable way but somehow managed to stick together because “our relationship was the most important thing on the planet and we knew we were meant to be together” (or so we made ourselves believe). I would surround myself with “friends” (mostly drinking buddies which I’ll discuss next) that would get plastered every single night and neglect every other part of their lives because it made me feel cool and rebellious. As you get older, you learn to be more objective and less emotional about every single aspect of your life. You’re more careful about who you trust with both your friendship and you’re heart. If I could go back, I would tell my 20 year old self that if someone really loved or cared about you they wouldn’t constantly be looking for ways to hurt you. If someone truly cared about you, they wouldn’t drag you down with them to feel better about themselves. As the saying goes, “misery loves company”.
  2. There is a big difference between a friend and a drinking buddy:  During my college years I was quite popular (or so I liked to think). I had a huge network of people I knew and/or knew me and we’d all go out constantly and drink and have what we thought were the greatest nights of our lives. While this was happening I never realized that all of these people were not really my friends, they were just drinking buddies. A friend is someone you can count on and cares about your well being. A friend is someone you can call in the middle of the night after a bad break up and know that they’ll listen to you and have your back. A friend is someone who will go out of their way to make sure you are fine and will even sacrifice their very own wellness for yours. A drinking buddy is someone you can only count on to go get hammered with you every Open Bar Wednesday. I neglected and lost many friendships because I was too busy spending all of my free time with my drinking buddies getting plastered and “living it up”. As soon as I left my college town, I have lost contact with all of my drinking buddies whereas the few true friends I was able to salvage are still very important people in my life. So twenty year old me, I say this, there’s nothing wrong wrong with your crew of drinking partners for those nights you want to wreak havoc BUT never lose sight of who your real friends are. Never put those who only care about you when you’re “fun” ahead of those who care about you unconditionally.
  3. Protect your credit like your life depended on it: We’ve all been here right? That decadently sweet moment when you verify your checking account and see that the residual balance from your student loan was just deposited. Eagerly you withdraw as much as you can and hit up the town shopping, eating, drinking, splurging like a billionaire who gives less than zero fucks because you know you’ll never run out of money, right? Or how about that time you were convinced to apply for that credit card that you really shouldn’t get but it sounded like a good idea since you were a broke ass student who could use a little extra mullah on the side? “Besides, it’s free money so who the fuck cares!” Wrong! Wrong! One thing I never thought about when I was younger was that one day I’d be repaying my debts (student loans, credit cards, bills, etc.). The days of actually having to pay them back seemed so far away that it felt like a speck in the cosmos and even if it were tomorrow I didn’t care back then. I spent the last 4 years repairing damage done to my credit that could have been easily prevented if I would have been just a wee bit more responsible from the get go. So to twenty year old dipshit me, be mindful of what you can and can’t afford and ALWAYS read the fine print! There’s no such thing as free money and a short lived financial mistake can take years to repair.
  4. Appreciate every second you spend with the ones you love: This has to be one of the greatest mistakes I made during my younger years and even though I don’t believe in having regrets I would give everything to be able to change this. When we’re young we take for granted the time we spend with everyone because we assume that everything will stay as it is and nothing will ever change. The harsh reality is that time keeps ticking and everyones lives are in a constant evolutionary state. The ones I neglected the most would be my family. I lost so many opportunities to spend time with them and be the role model older brother and great son I should have been. Instead I found excuses to not travel home for the weekends (I was a 3 hour drive from home) and not go on family vacations so I could drink and party and literally waste my time away. My mother passed away in 2007 and instead of getting my act together then and realizing all the time I had already lost I decided to nearly remove myself entirely from my family’s life. Due to this I have shoddy relationships with my siblings and “courteous at best” contact with my dad. There will come a day where everyone you love will not be able to be under the same roof at the same time.  So please twenty year old me, I beg you, don’t wait until it’s too late to take advantage and appreciate every second you spend or could’ve spent with someone you love because in the blink of an eye you can lose that someone forever.
  5. Don’t choose your actions based on what others do: This is something that I learned really late in my twenties and in many ways am still learning. I had, for the longest time, revolved the things I did and didn’t do around what everyone else did. “Since friend X didn’t call me for my birthday, I won’t be calling him/her.” “Person Y asked me for a favor but since they told me no the last time I asked them for something, they can suck it!” Don’t decide how you live your life or do the things you do based on what others did or are doing. Be your own person and decide for yourself using your own logic and intelligence what is best for you. Just because someone else did it does not necessarily mean it was the right thing to do. Remember this twenty year old me, when you make choices based on what everyone else does you are losing who you are and becoming someone else. Never justify your actions using what others do or have done as an excuse. You are solely responsible for your actions so be sure to always do things for you and not thinking of what others did or will do.

    To Be Continued…

    Written by: Del Rivers

“A Noir Story”

On By trustmeimnotadrIn film, Long Reads, poetryLeave a comment

“Dawson” yelled the chief as his voice resonated through the entire police station. “I thought I told you to escort Browning to the other precinct yourself. Do you know all the trouble I got into for entrusting this assignment to you?” “I’m sorry chief, it won’t happen again sir”, those were the only words that I could think of, this wasn’t the first time I had screwed up this week; it’s been so hard to concentrate lately, ever since she left…forever, out of my life. “That’s what you said last time and the time before that, I’m sorry Dawson but you are suspended…INDEFINENTLY!”. As the chief yelled those words at me I fazed back into reality and realized that I just lost the job that I was good at… the only thing I was good at! Ok… quit being so dramatic, it’s just a suspension, well at least I’ll have time to think about things and get my mind back on track.

“Badge and gun on my desk now”, “Yes Sir”, no fuss, no fight, nothing came out of my mouth, I wasn’t even mad, if dad found out he would have a fit, after all he is the reason I joined the force, because of Sergeant Richard Dawson, a.k.a. my father. Great thing I did, join the force so I could end up shot just like him in some corner for busting Benny Bings and sending him to the joint for 30 years. “Your father would be disappointed in you. Dismissed!” I walked out of the chief’s office; I couldn’t help but notice everyone staring at me, people I didn’t even know. Of course I don’t know them, I work upstairs in the homicide division, these are all street cops… don’t be so mean, I used to be one once, just because I’m a detective now doesn’t mean I’m better than them. Well, actually, it does. It’s 1948 and I’m a detective, I have one of the most respected jobs of the century thanks to Humphrey Bogart and the rest of those Hollywood clowns, of course I’m better. There’s the front door, I’m almost out of this place…”Dawson, Dawson is that you?” I turn around to that voice, that voice that I have learned to detest over the past few years… Broderick’s voice. Not that I have anything against him, he just has a really annoying voice.

“Hey…Broderick, what can I do for you?” a simple question asked…emotionless. “Hey man I just heard about what happened to you and I just wanted to say that it’s not fair, by the way…I just got off so why don’t we go hit the Crafts and have a few drinks, my treat?” Not bad, I was enthused to hear that. Anyone who offers to pay my drinks has my respect, and Broderick just earned it. “Yeah sure, why not, I could use some time off”. Crafts was a small bar about 3 blocks away from the precinct, most of the other detectives usually stopped there after their shift to have a few drinks, it’s cheap, it’s always open, but best of all Betty worked there. Oh my dear Betty, where have you gone?
“Ok, we’re here”, whispered Broderick. “Oh yeah…we are”. I got off the car, a very nice convertible Cadillac Series 62, a little too nice for someone with his salary, nah…not your problem, probably comes from a rich family. Inside the bar, finally, kind of empty for a Friday night, only 3 people in here not counting Broderick and myself, of course it’s empty you jackass it’s only 3:30 in the afternoon. “Have a seat Dawson, hey bartender, I’ll have a scotch on the rocks and my friend here will have…” “The same”. Finally a drink, something heavy, to keep me sane. “So what do you know about Betty, Dawson?” As those words slipped off Broderick’s lips a sudden cold feeling went down my spine…all the way down, I looked up at Broderick and he looked down on me like a shrink analyzing his patient.

“Betty, I don’t recall any Betty’s Detective Broderick, you are asking the wrong guy.” “Hmmm funny that you don’t recall her because…” he said as he tossed a folder full of pictures on the bar table. Broderick was smart, he knew how he was playing his cards, but to what ends? “…I happen to have seen you sitting, talking or driving her around in all of these pictures. Isn’t that amazing? If you don’t know her, then I guess we have a big problem detective”.
“What do you want Broderick?”, I pleaded but I knew he was smarter than that. “I’m here for her, you see she stole $800,000 from my father and I really need them back.” “Who exactly is your father?”, I asked nervously. “Have you ever heard of Vincent Corleonne?” Holy shit, Vincent. Who hasn’t, he’s only the biggest organized crime lord in all of Chicago. I messed with the wrong girl at the wrong time. “Yes I do recall the name, but I’m sorry because I don’t know what happened to her, she disappeared about a week ago, wish I could be of more help.” I get up, start walking but see 2 figures at the door, both in black suits, definitely Italians. “I’m sorry Dawson but if you won’t help us we will make you, nothing personal, it’s all about business here, only money.” “Isn’t it always? What do you want me to do, I just told you I don’t know where she went off to.” “Ah but I do Mr. Dawson.” He throws another envelope onto the table, a letter… from Betty sent to my home, they got it, took it from my mailbox, those bastards, I thought all along that she left me for good but no, I knew she loved me. “She’s waiting for you Detective, let’s not disappoint her.” I walk out the front door, look at my options… no too many of them, if I tried to punch them out I’d be full of lead before I could say “Studebaker.” I’ll stay calm, see what’s going to happen, find a way to get out later when I get the chance, but not now. The letter said she’d wait for me at a nearby motel called the Inner City Alamo, I could make my escape there, but for now stay calm.

I get back in the car with Broderick, its dead silent for the next 15 minutes. “Here we are Mr. Dawson, I expect you to walk out with the money and the girl, don’t try anything stupid, remember she’s in room 205.” I get off the car… I knew it was too nice to be a detective’s. I walk up the stairs, nothing but silence, if death had a sound this would be it. Room 205, there it is. Broderick’s car, it’s gone, I’ll run in get the girl, the money and leave, run off… no way, it can’t be that easy, the plan’s farfetched but it’s the only chance I have. “Knock, knock”, no response from the room, wait…doors unlocked; I’ll walk in and see what’s wrong. The radio was on but there was no definite station on, it seemed to have interference, look…the bathroom light is on. Broderick was smart but not smart enough, he thought the chief took my only gun but no, I had another .45 on my left leg, I’ll get it, check the bathroom. It’s empty but the shower is on, a cold barrel presses against my head, tells me to turn around. I looked upon the person… it was Betty. “Dawson…” she rammed her body into mine, hugging me, holding me, I tell her I missed her, I tell her… I love her. “I thought you’d never come.” She starts to cry.

“I’m here now, you’re safe, get your things and the money let’s go.” Sudden silence came over the room. “Money, how did you know?” “Broderick is here, he came here for you and the money, now let’s go! No time to talk, we are going to have to fight our way out of here, act natural, as soon as I start shooting you take cover, understood?” “Yes, but Dawson, you forget, I know how to wield a gun too, a lot better than you so let me cover you.”
Oh yes, Betty could shoot, she was perfect, even with her long red hair all in a fiery messy, the hair that I learned to love every inch of. “Ok, fine, now let’s get out of here.” We walk out, silent, no one in sight, this can’t be right. “Through there, those stairs lead to my car.” Oh Betty, so smart, she knew this would happen so she already had a plan. Down the stairs we ran, finally her car…1, 2, 3 bullets fired. It was Broderick and his boys to our left. I fired, hit one of his goons. “Betty run, get to the car.” She ran, I dashed to the side and shot the other guy. Only Broderick left, too easy. Bam…straight to my lower chest, I could feel the bullet breaking into my body, my lungs filling with blood.

“I told you not to try anything stupid Dawson, now you’ll die, along with that whore.” Bam…a sound from the distance and Broderick fell to the floor, blood seeping out of his neck, it was Betty; she turned around to protect me, my little guardian angel. “Dawson come on!” I tried but couldn’t get up. “Go on Betty get out of here, there will be more of them. I’ll sweep up the area, you get out of town, wait for me at your mother’s. I’ll catch up later.” I hide the wound and get up, try not to worry her, try to get her to leave without many questions. She comes over, hugs me, kisses me, I tell her I’ll be there. “Promise you’ll come?” “Yes Betty, I promise, now go!” She walks away, gets in the car, drives off; she gets out of my view. I can finally fall to the floor; I worked so hard just to stand straight for those 2 minutes. I feel exhausted; a cold feeling comes over my body. I love you Betty, always remember that. I start coughing, I cover my mouth, I cough out blood. My lungs feel heavy, full of blood. It’s so cold, shivering, I can’t feel anything, I can’t move, my eyes feel heavy and I’m sleepy. I think I’ll just sleep for now, I’ll lie back for now…I love you…Betty. Tired, sleepy, can’t…move…

 

Written by: Del Rivers

Forgotten Song of The Day: Oasis-Don’t Look Back in Anger

On By trustmeimnotadrIn humor, life, music, peaceLeave a comment

As the last drop of vodka from the “screwdriver” I’ve been trying to finish for the last hour  drips down my chin I can’t help but think of that special moment in my life where nothing yet everything mattered all at once. Sure it may sound cliche as fuck but the reality of it all is that we all get older, we all get just a little bit more fucked up with every passing day, and we all care about it no matter how much we pretend to not give two shits.

Everyone and their mother hates Oasis because, let’s face it, the Gallagher brothers are the biggest dicks alongside MANDINGO (if you do not know who Mandingo is, consider yourself lucky) that ever existed.

Aside from the bands relentless “GOD” complex, they are undoubetly one of the best and most important bands of the last 25 years. One of my personal favorites is “Don’t Look Back in Anger”.

Although the song essentially says nothing, it does so in such a way that makes you feel like you just witnessed the Mona “Fucking” Lisa through your auditory tracts.

The band may be trying a bit too hard to be “The Beatles” (which I loathe, might I add) but they definitely find their own voice as much as they may hate it.  It is one of the most influential bands of the 90’s and still continues to be on plenty of film soundtracks to date.

If you have not heard of them, I beg you to put down POKEMON GO and listen to some “OASIS”, I promise that it will forever change everything you love and/or hate.

 

Written by: Del Rivers

Forgotten Show of the Day: Nip/Tuck

On By trustmeimnotadrIn film, humor, life, seriesLeave a comment

Bold, visceral, evocative, beautiful, artistic, naughty, chic, cruel….these are all words that can be used to describe the most superficial yet surreal rollercoaster you can ever ride.

Nip/Tuck follows the lives of two very successful plastic surgeons and their misadventures in Miami (and then L.A.). As cliché as it may sound, you have the single playboy (Dr. Christian Troy) who spends his nights out on the prowl using his wealth and status to prey on only the finest Miami has to offer while on the other hand you have his partner (Dr. Sean McNamara); the family man who’s marriage is falling to pieces due to reasons I will not spoil for those who have not seen the series.

Let’s get something straight, I LOATHE medical shows; they’re so predictable and full of unnecessary clichés but what sets Nip/Tuck apart is that it’s less about the drama that revolves around being in the E.R.and more about the exploitation of how superficial human nature really is and what we all deep down truly hate about ourselves. Also, did I mention they have one of the best soundtracks of any show…ever?

Consider yourself one of their many patients as you join them on their crawl through the tunnels of both love and depravity. As the protagonists of the show would ask right before a consult, “Tell me what you don’t like about yourself?”.

 

Written by: Del Rivers

Forgotten Song of the Day: Astrud Gilberto- Fly Me to the Moon

On By trustmeimnotadrIn Food for Thought, life, music, peace, UncategorizedLeave a comment

As I sit here drinking my Campari Spritz (a drink I picked up a habit of drinking, as redundant as that may sound,  in Italy and although it tastes weird as fuck it grows on you or at least that’s what the locals made me believe) the sound of my Pandora Bossanova music station resonates but nothing really stands out until the soothing voice of Astrud Gilberto singing “Fly Me to the Moon”,  made famous by Frank Sinatra (although it is much older, originally written by Bart Howard 10 years before in 1954) seeps through the speakers of my IPad.

I still recall the first time I heard this incantation on her behalf in a romantic comedy named “Down With Love” which starred Ewan McGregor and Rene Zellweger (remember her?!). At the time of it’s release, which was 2003, it was one of my favorite “rom/coms” which took place in the early 60’s when women’s rights were starting to become a huge deal (as they should have!). I won’t go too in-depth into the film but I recall a scene in  which spliced both Frank Sinatra’s version with Astrud Gilberto’s and it was nothing short of magical. I implore you to take the time to listen to one of the most beautiful voices of all time, also known as Astrud Gilberto, now because you never know when you might ever have the chance to do something that intoxicates you with pure and unadulterated emotion.

Written by: Del Rivers

Quote of the Day: Roman Payne, Hope and Despair

On By trustmeimnotadrIn Food for Thought, life, peace, poetry, Random Thoughts, UncategorizedLeave a comment

“It’s not that we have to quit this life one day, it’s how many things we have to quit all at once: holding hands, hotel rooms, music, the physics of falling leaves, vanilla and jasmine, poppies, smiling, anthills, the color of the sky, coffee and cashmere, literature, sparks and subway trains… If only one could leave this life slowly!”

-Roman Payne, Hope and Despair

Forgotten Film of the Day: Vanilla Sky

On By trustmeimnotadrIn film, Food for Thought, life, poetry, Random ThoughtsLeave a comment

“I’ll find you again”, “How will I know it’s you?”, “The way someone looks at you, the way the wind blows in a cool summer day, a laugh you hear somewhere, you’ll remember a feeling…and that will be me…”

“What is happiness to you?”, a question that resonates continuously through this beautiful love story told through the mind of David Aames (Tom Cruise), the young and attractive millionaire who has everything in life going for him. The film is told in retrospect with David being in prison for the murder of someone who has not yet been disclosed. Back in the past, the love story begins when at a party he hosts, he meets Sofia (Penelope Cruz) who he immediately becomes infatuated with and the 2 share a great night together just enjoying each others company. The following morning, his scorned sex partner, Julie (Cameron Diaz) lures him into her car and attempts to commit a lovers suicide by driving off a bridge resulting in her death and his horrible disfigurement.

Upon his recovery he is having trouble readjusting to his new looks, in particular his scarred face, and decides to wallow in self pity. One day he decides to look for Sofia at her workplace and asks her to let him take her out, she agrees. That night, they meet at a nearby nightclub where they have a terrible time mostly due to David’s drunkenness and pitiful behavior. When the night is over she walks to her apartment and he passes out on the sidewalk only to be awaken the following morning by Sofia who tells him that she is willing to give him a chance and admits that although she loved his previous looks she mostly does not want to forget who he was on the inside. Shortly after the two begin dating a plastic surgeon contacts him and tells him of a revolutionary procedure that can fix his face to which David agrees to have done. He successfully recovers from his surgery and continues his relationship with Sofia. The two share one of the most beautiful and intense relationships Hollywood has ever graced us with until one day David begins to see Sofia as Julie. In a fit of anger and convinced that Julie was dead and that she was not Sofia he kills her by smothering her with a pillow only to find that it was indeed Sofia who he had killed and this is what had landed him in prison.

After a series of events it is revealed to him that in reality he is in a cryogenic frozen state and what was supposed to be a lucid dream turned into a nightmare due to a glitch. In other words, everything that happened after the nightclub outing was not reality but a dream created by elements of his subconscious. The most vivid part of his dream was his intense relationship with Sofia, a woman whom he had only met once in reality but was the only person to ever make him feel that love did indeed exist.

The film is a very close adaptation of Alejandro Amenabar’s “Abre los Ojos” and also stars Penelope Cruz as it’s predecessor did. What makes the story feel so beautiful yet heart breaking at the same time is the way the film captivates you emotionally, dragging you into their near perfect relationship and then tears you apart when you find out that it never happened. That this love story was not real.

The movie touches on many themes and there’s a slew of interpretations out there but to me it signifies something much more basic, our own lives; paths taken and not taken, impending crossroads with decisions that will mend our lives in ways that you cannot imagine and our subconscious showing us our deepest desires and the way things could have been through our dreams and imagination.

We can sit here and debate what’s real and what isn’t for the rest of our lives because reality is a relative concept. If something so beautiful and powerful as a kiss, a hug, a whisper, the sweet scent of that special someone’s perfume feels realer than the air you breathe, who am I to take that from you? As one of my favorite quotes from the movie says, “Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around”. Vanilla Sky tells one of the most beautiful love stories of all time that never happened.

Written by: Del Rivers