Tag: Long Reads

20 Going on 30: Five Things I Would Travel Back in Time to Tell my 20 Year Old Self (PT. 1)

On By trustmeimnotadrIn Food for Thought, humor, life, peaceLeave a comment

As some of you may or may not know, I just turned 30 yesterday which means this past weekend was my last chance to do something crazily stupid, like lighting trash cans on fire, getting so drunk I piss myself, or taking a massive post bean burrito shit on someone else’s lawn and being able to blame it all on “being young and naive since I’m in my twenties”. I did none of that this weekend (unfortunately) but I’ll tell you what I did do, reflect on the last decade of my life in the most objective way possible. It’s only natural to look at your youth with nostalgia since these were years that you will never get back, however among all of the greatness that you want to think you had there’s a big heaping pile of shitty moments; you were just too much of an immature naive asshat to realize how shitty they really were. Although I don’t believe in having regrets, there are a few words of advice I would give my impressionable 20 year old self and cross my fingers that “younger me” would actually listen and not assume that the dude who just traveled through time (hopefully in a DeLorean!) to give him this list was obviously some whack job who is high on shrooms and PCP. With that being said, here are 5 things I would go back and tell myself 10 years ago:

  1. Learn to let go of people who are bad for you: When I was 20, I thought I had it all figured out and was grabbing the world by it’s sweaty balls. One of the things I struggled with was having the ability to be more selective when it came to the people around me. I would purposely stay in relationships that we were constantly lying, cheating, overall hurting each other in every imaginable way but somehow managed to stick together because “our relationship was the most important thing on the planet and we knew we were meant to be together” (or so we made ourselves believe). I would surround myself with “friends” (mostly drinking buddies which I’ll discuss next) that would get plastered every single night and neglect every other part of their lives because it made me feel cool and rebellious. As you get older, you learn to be more objective and less emotional about every single aspect of your life. You’re more careful about who you trust with both your friendship and you’re heart. If I could go back, I would tell my 20 year old self that if someone really loved or cared about you they wouldn’t constantly be looking for ways to hurt you. If someone truly cared about you, they wouldn’t drag you down with them to feel better about themselves. As the saying goes, “misery loves company”.
  2. There is a big difference between a friend and a drinking buddy:  During my college years I was quite popular (or so I liked to think). I had a huge network of people I knew and/or knew me and we’d all go out constantly and drink and have what we thought were the greatest nights of our lives. While this was happening I never realized that all of these people were not really my friends, they were just drinking buddies. A friend is someone you can count on and cares about your well being. A friend is someone you can call in the middle of the night after a bad break up and know that they’ll listen to you and have your back. A friend is someone who will go out of their way to make sure you are fine and will even sacrifice their very own wellness for yours. A drinking buddy is someone you can only count on to go get hammered with you every Open Bar Wednesday. I neglected and lost many friendships because I was too busy spending all of my free time with my drinking buddies getting plastered and “living it up”. As soon as I left my college town, I have lost contact with all of my drinking buddies whereas the few true friends I was able to salvage are still very important people in my life. So twenty year old me, I say this, there’s nothing wrong wrong with your crew of drinking partners for those nights you want to wreak havoc BUT never lose sight of who your real friends are. Never put those who only care about you when you’re “fun” ahead of those who care about you unconditionally.
  3. Protect your credit like your life depended on it: We’ve all been here right? That decadently sweet moment when you verify your checking account and see that the residual balance from your student loan was just deposited. Eagerly you withdraw as much as you can and hit up the town shopping, eating, drinking, splurging like a billionaire who gives less than zero fucks because you know you’ll never run out of money, right? Or how about that time you were convinced to apply for that credit card that you really shouldn’t get but it sounded like a good idea since you were a broke ass student who could use a little extra mullah on the side? “Besides, it’s free money so who the fuck cares!” Wrong! Wrong! One thing I never thought about when I was younger was that one day I’d be repaying my debts (student loans, credit cards, bills, etc.). The days of actually having to pay them back seemed so far away that it felt like a speck in the cosmos and even if it were tomorrow I didn’t care back then. I spent the last 4 years repairing damage done to my credit that could have been easily prevented if I would have been just a wee bit more responsible from the get go. So to twenty year old dipshit me, be mindful of what you can and can’t afford and ALWAYS read the fine print! There’s no such thing as free money and a short lived financial mistake can take years to repair.
  4. Appreciate every second you spend with the ones you love: This has to be one of the greatest mistakes I made during my younger years and even though I don’t believe in having regrets I would give everything to be able to change this. When we’re young we take for granted the time we spend with everyone because we assume that everything will stay as it is and nothing will ever change. The harsh reality is that time keeps ticking and everyones lives are in a constant evolutionary state. The ones I neglected the most would be my family. I lost so many opportunities to spend time with them and be the role model older brother and great son I should have been. Instead I found excuses to not travel home for the weekends (I was a 3 hour drive from home) and not go on family vacations so I could drink and party and literally waste my time away. My mother passed away in 2007 and instead of getting my act together then and realizing all the time I had already lost I decided to nearly remove myself entirely from my family’s life. Due to this I have shoddy relationships with my siblings and “courteous at best” contact with my dad. There will come a day where everyone you love will not be able to be under the same roof at the same time.  So please twenty year old me, I beg you, don’t wait until it’s too late to take advantage and appreciate every second you spend or could’ve spent with someone you love because in the blink of an eye you can lose that someone forever.
  5. Don’t choose your actions based on what others do: This is something that I learned really late in my twenties and in many ways am still learning. I had, for the longest time, revolved the things I did and didn’t do around what everyone else did. “Since friend X didn’t call me for my birthday, I won’t be calling him/her.” “Person Y asked me for a favor but since they told me no the last time I asked them for something, they can suck it!” Don’t decide how you live your life or do the things you do based on what others did or are doing. Be your own person and decide for yourself using your own logic and intelligence what is best for you. Just because someone else did it does not necessarily mean it was the right thing to do. Remember this twenty year old me, when you make choices based on what everyone else does you are losing who you are and becoming someone else. Never justify your actions using what others do or have done as an excuse. You are solely responsible for your actions so be sure to always do things for you and not thinking of what others did or will do.

    To Be Continued…

    Written by: Del Rivers

“A Noir Story”

On By trustmeimnotadrIn film, Long Reads, poetryLeave a comment

“Dawson” yelled the chief as his voice resonated through the entire police station. “I thought I told you to escort Browning to the other precinct yourself. Do you know all the trouble I got into for entrusting this assignment to you?” “I’m sorry chief, it won’t happen again sir”, those were the only words that I could think of, this wasn’t the first time I had screwed up this week; it’s been so hard to concentrate lately, ever since she left…forever, out of my life. “That’s what you said last time and the time before that, I’m sorry Dawson but you are suspended…INDEFINENTLY!”. As the chief yelled those words at me I fazed back into reality and realized that I just lost the job that I was good at… the only thing I was good at! Ok… quit being so dramatic, it’s just a suspension, well at least I’ll have time to think about things and get my mind back on track.

“Badge and gun on my desk now”, “Yes Sir”, no fuss, no fight, nothing came out of my mouth, I wasn’t even mad, if dad found out he would have a fit, after all he is the reason I joined the force, because of Sergeant Richard Dawson, a.k.a. my father. Great thing I did, join the force so I could end up shot just like him in some corner for busting Benny Bings and sending him to the joint for 30 years. “Your father would be disappointed in you. Dismissed!” I walked out of the chief’s office; I couldn’t help but notice everyone staring at me, people I didn’t even know. Of course I don’t know them, I work upstairs in the homicide division, these are all street cops… don’t be so mean, I used to be one once, just because I’m a detective now doesn’t mean I’m better than them. Well, actually, it does. It’s 1948 and I’m a detective, I have one of the most respected jobs of the century thanks to Humphrey Bogart and the rest of those Hollywood clowns, of course I’m better. There’s the front door, I’m almost out of this place…”Dawson, Dawson is that you?” I turn around to that voice, that voice that I have learned to detest over the past few years… Broderick’s voice. Not that I have anything against him, he just has a really annoying voice.

“Hey…Broderick, what can I do for you?” a simple question asked…emotionless. “Hey man I just heard about what happened to you and I just wanted to say that it’s not fair, by the way…I just got off so why don’t we go hit the Crafts and have a few drinks, my treat?” Not bad, I was enthused to hear that. Anyone who offers to pay my drinks has my respect, and Broderick just earned it. “Yeah sure, why not, I could use some time off”. Crafts was a small bar about 3 blocks away from the precinct, most of the other detectives usually stopped there after their shift to have a few drinks, it’s cheap, it’s always open, but best of all Betty worked there. Oh my dear Betty, where have you gone?
“Ok, we’re here”, whispered Broderick. “Oh yeah…we are”. I got off the car, a very nice convertible Cadillac Series 62, a little too nice for someone with his salary, nah…not your problem, probably comes from a rich family. Inside the bar, finally, kind of empty for a Friday night, only 3 people in here not counting Broderick and myself, of course it’s empty you jackass it’s only 3:30 in the afternoon. “Have a seat Dawson, hey bartender, I’ll have a scotch on the rocks and my friend here will have…” “The same”. Finally a drink, something heavy, to keep me sane. “So what do you know about Betty, Dawson?” As those words slipped off Broderick’s lips a sudden cold feeling went down my spine…all the way down, I looked up at Broderick and he looked down on me like a shrink analyzing his patient.

“Betty, I don’t recall any Betty’s Detective Broderick, you are asking the wrong guy.” “Hmmm funny that you don’t recall her because…” he said as he tossed a folder full of pictures on the bar table. Broderick was smart, he knew how he was playing his cards, but to what ends? “…I happen to have seen you sitting, talking or driving her around in all of these pictures. Isn’t that amazing? If you don’t know her, then I guess we have a big problem detective”.
“What do you want Broderick?”, I pleaded but I knew he was smarter than that. “I’m here for her, you see she stole $800,000 from my father and I really need them back.” “Who exactly is your father?”, I asked nervously. “Have you ever heard of Vincent Corleonne?” Holy shit, Vincent. Who hasn’t, he’s only the biggest organized crime lord in all of Chicago. I messed with the wrong girl at the wrong time. “Yes I do recall the name, but I’m sorry because I don’t know what happened to her, she disappeared about a week ago, wish I could be of more help.” I get up, start walking but see 2 figures at the door, both in black suits, definitely Italians. “I’m sorry Dawson but if you won’t help us we will make you, nothing personal, it’s all about business here, only money.” “Isn’t it always? What do you want me to do, I just told you I don’t know where she went off to.” “Ah but I do Mr. Dawson.” He throws another envelope onto the table, a letter… from Betty sent to my home, they got it, took it from my mailbox, those bastards, I thought all along that she left me for good but no, I knew she loved me. “She’s waiting for you Detective, let’s not disappoint her.” I walk out the front door, look at my options… no too many of them, if I tried to punch them out I’d be full of lead before I could say “Studebaker.” I’ll stay calm, see what’s going to happen, find a way to get out later when I get the chance, but not now. The letter said she’d wait for me at a nearby motel called the Inner City Alamo, I could make my escape there, but for now stay calm.

I get back in the car with Broderick, its dead silent for the next 15 minutes. “Here we are Mr. Dawson, I expect you to walk out with the money and the girl, don’t try anything stupid, remember she’s in room 205.” I get off the car… I knew it was too nice to be a detective’s. I walk up the stairs, nothing but silence, if death had a sound this would be it. Room 205, there it is. Broderick’s car, it’s gone, I’ll run in get the girl, the money and leave, run off… no way, it can’t be that easy, the plan’s farfetched but it’s the only chance I have. “Knock, knock”, no response from the room, wait…doors unlocked; I’ll walk in and see what’s wrong. The radio was on but there was no definite station on, it seemed to have interference, look…the bathroom light is on. Broderick was smart but not smart enough, he thought the chief took my only gun but no, I had another .45 on my left leg, I’ll get it, check the bathroom. It’s empty but the shower is on, a cold barrel presses against my head, tells me to turn around. I looked upon the person… it was Betty. “Dawson…” she rammed her body into mine, hugging me, holding me, I tell her I missed her, I tell her… I love her. “I thought you’d never come.” She starts to cry.

“I’m here now, you’re safe, get your things and the money let’s go.” Sudden silence came over the room. “Money, how did you know?” “Broderick is here, he came here for you and the money, now let’s go! No time to talk, we are going to have to fight our way out of here, act natural, as soon as I start shooting you take cover, understood?” “Yes, but Dawson, you forget, I know how to wield a gun too, a lot better than you so let me cover you.”
Oh yes, Betty could shoot, she was perfect, even with her long red hair all in a fiery messy, the hair that I learned to love every inch of. “Ok, fine, now let’s get out of here.” We walk out, silent, no one in sight, this can’t be right. “Through there, those stairs lead to my car.” Oh Betty, so smart, she knew this would happen so she already had a plan. Down the stairs we ran, finally her car…1, 2, 3 bullets fired. It was Broderick and his boys to our left. I fired, hit one of his goons. “Betty run, get to the car.” She ran, I dashed to the side and shot the other guy. Only Broderick left, too easy. Bam…straight to my lower chest, I could feel the bullet breaking into my body, my lungs filling with blood.

“I told you not to try anything stupid Dawson, now you’ll die, along with that whore.” Bam…a sound from the distance and Broderick fell to the floor, blood seeping out of his neck, it was Betty; she turned around to protect me, my little guardian angel. “Dawson come on!” I tried but couldn’t get up. “Go on Betty get out of here, there will be more of them. I’ll sweep up the area, you get out of town, wait for me at your mother’s. I’ll catch up later.” I hide the wound and get up, try not to worry her, try to get her to leave without many questions. She comes over, hugs me, kisses me, I tell her I’ll be there. “Promise you’ll come?” “Yes Betty, I promise, now go!” She walks away, gets in the car, drives off; she gets out of my view. I can finally fall to the floor; I worked so hard just to stand straight for those 2 minutes. I feel exhausted; a cold feeling comes over my body. I love you Betty, always remember that. I start coughing, I cover my mouth, I cough out blood. My lungs feel heavy, full of blood. It’s so cold, shivering, I can’t feel anything, I can’t move, my eyes feel heavy and I’m sleepy. I think I’ll just sleep for now, I’ll lie back for now…I love you…Betty. Tired, sleepy, can’t…move…

 

Written by: Del Rivers

The Pajama Chronicles: Why Working From Home Sucks More Than You Think!

On By trustmeimnotadrIn Food for Thought, humor, Long Reads, Random Thoughts, successLeave a comment

Now before all you “regular worker bees” go and grab your pitchforks and get the lynch mob ready to exact some “vigilante justice” let’s get something straight: working from home is pretty great and has many advantages and perks. There, I said it! Sure you get to rock your Batman pajamas all day (not that anyone would do that…) and theoretically get to pretty much do whatever you want and you don’t have that nosey co-worker who sits in the cube next to yours listening in to everything you say and do just so he/she can go tell everyone about how all you do is crack jokes all day while he/she is actually getting his/her work done and how unfair it is and blah blah blah! BUT, despite all of the good things that come with working from home, they’re quite a few downsides that only the 2.5% (latest statistics from globalworkplaceanalytics.com) of us who actually DO work from home understand and the other 97.5% don’t even know about or shrug off. So before you decide to break your bosses door down and demand that he/she let you telework before you go apeshit and burn his/her house down read on to learn why working from home actually does suck more than you think:

  1. Getting into a routine becomes an IMF (Impossible Mission Force) Task: The most difficult thing to accomplish whilst working from home is getting into a routine because, let’s face it, you no longer have a strict order you need to follow. Most home jobs are pretty flexible (most times) and if you lack discipline you’ll find yourself struggling. Let’s say you you start your work day at 8:30am and have a 20 minute commute; that means you would need to be up by 7:00am at the latest to have time to kickstart your day. You get up, brush your teeth, shower, get dressed, have some breakfast, grab a cup of coffee and jump into your car to beat the traffic. It’s this kind of routine that helps you maintain order and productivity and doesn’t vary much from day to day. When you work from home you can lose a routine very easily and become, for lack of a better term, extremely lazy. It’s very easy to just get up 5 minutes before work and then just do everything in between phone meetings which in turn leads to a severe loss in productivity and lack of motivation. If you’re trying to work from home with the intention of doing the aforementioned “waking up 5 minutes before work” I suggest you don’t even consider it or you’ll find yourself looking for a new job in no time (which we’ll discuss why below on number 4).
  2. Your social skills/life go down to about 0.017%: It’s a glorious Monday morning and the clock just hit 8:30am as you’re walking into your cube; as soon as your workstation comes up and you check your email you’re off to the break room to grab a fresh cup of coffee and shoot the shit with whoever is there about how the weekend went and how you’re all excited about this years Christmas bonus and what you’re going to do with it. This may sound extremely dumb but as soon as you start working from home these tiny interactions that help keep you sane throughout the day no longer exist. Your cube becomes a home office (which is really just a fancy way of saying “some empty room in your house that served no purpose until now”), the break room is now your kitchen, and the only ones who care about your weekend are the Lego’s you’ve placed on your desk to help simulate some form of humanity. Everyone, no matter how anti-social you may think you are, needs human interaction and this is something you will loose almost in its entirety once you begin to work from home full-time.
  3. Nobody understands that you are ACTUALLY working: This has got to be BY FAR the most annoying part of working from home. Everyone including brothers, sisters, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives, friends, your dog, that dude you met one time at the taco stand, literally EVERYONE will all of the sudden count on you to help them out with shit because according to them “no one actually works from home they just collect paychecks for sitting around playing Xbox all day”. Your “honey-do” list will go from 3-4 items to about 1,345,897 since you now have all of this “free time”; everyone suddenly has 1,500 errands they haven’t been able to take care of because they don’t have the time but hey, you “work” from home right? You’ve got all the time in the Universe and then some! Flash? Fuck Flash! Who needs to be the fastest man in the world when you have time on your side and according to everyone, way too much of it! I know this may be hard for a lot of you who work in an actual building or establishment to understand but YES we do actually have to work to get paid just like hmmm…. you! Working from home just eliminates the need to have to dress up in the mornings but other than that we do still have to attend phone meetings, finish projects, and pretty much all the shit you have to do at your cubicle except at twice the speed because…
  4. You have to work twice as hard to justify your job: Although this is something that with time and proven work ethics begins to go down a bit it is still a notable nuisance especially for the first year or so of your “at home” job. At most jobs, letting you work from home or offering you a position which allows you to tele-work requires building some trust and establishing yourself as a tried and true reliable and knowledgable asset to the institution or company you work for. It is EXTREMELY rare to just land a job that lets you work remotely from day one. With that being said, once you are granted the “privilege” of working from home you will be expected to have the ability to take on twice as many projects and be able to complete them in half the time because hey, you work from home so you got nothing but free time anyways right? Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if working from home eventually turns you into a TARDIS wielding TimeLord that can bend time to his/her will! Remember that meeting you normally skip because you’re slammed with work and your attending that meeting is really just pointless? Yea, expect to never be able to skip those ever again no matter how swamped you are. Got a project due tomorrow but woke up feeling like shit and need to take the day to go to the doctor? Yea, how about you take your laptop with you to the hospital because hey, you work remotely anyways right? Things like being over worked, sick, victim of an earthquake, etc. all become things of the past and excuses to everyone around you. You are now expected to perform no matter the circumstances because you have all your work with you which also leads me to my next point which is…
  5. You no longer have regular office hours: At a “normal” job you’d have pretty standard hours such as 8:30am-5:00pm; they’ll occasionally vary due to work requirements and such but for the most part they’re non-variable. Not anymore! So your boss needs someone to overlook an overnight data migration? Have no fear, “work-from-home-dude” can take care of it! I’m sure that since he works from home he has nothing better to do anyways! Someone is falling behind on their projects and they need someone to wrap it up because it’s due tomorrow? No problem, just shoot it over to “work-from-home-dude” and go home knowing that someone else will do your shit for you, besides I’m sure he has nothing better to do because he works from home anyways, the way I see it we just did him a favor by giving him something to do! All jokes aside now, say goodbye to having a regular schedule. Anytime a project needs some extra or irregular hours to complete you will be the first choice; you’ll quickly find yourself working 50+ hour weeks with sometimes weekend work tucked in between! Oh, and by the way, most (not all) “work from home” jobs are fixed salaried so guess what? You cap at getting paid for up to 40 hours a week, anything more and you’re working for free. But hey, you work from home so that shouldn’t be an issue right?
  6. You have no Sanctuary to retreat to: It’s finally 4:55pm and you start sending out the last bit of emails and reports before heading out for the day. You start getting your things together slowly to kill the last 5 minutes at work and before you know it’s 5:00pm and you’re home free! You rush to your car before anyone stops you to ask for a favor and get home by 5:30pm. Finally, time to kick up your feet and grab a nice glass of scotch while sitting in your living room couch listening to some Chris Botti and relax after a long day at the office. Doesn’t that just sound amazing? Oh wait, you work from home so that sacred sanctuary of Zen and relaxation is now also your fucking office so guess what? You never get to leave work! As stupid as this may sound, it is very difficult to separate your work from your personal life when they are two and the same. When you work in an office or any establishment you look forward to that time when you can finally leave and retreat to your home BUT when you work from home you’re stuck at the same exact place where you worked and it becomes very hard to differentiate the two. Your home will no longer be where you can retreat to relax because it looks exactly like where you work at! Hmmm, how can we get around this? Oh, I got an idea, let’s leave the house! Let’s call your buddy Erick up, I’m sure he would love to go out and grab a beer with you since I’m sure he’s had a long day at work too! Oh wait, Erick is tired and tells you that he just wants to go home. The very place you are trying to leave because you’ve been cooped up all week is where he wants to go! And here is the grim reality of it all, EVERYONE IS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE FENCE THAN YOU ARE!!! What does that mean? That you are the only person you know that wants to get out of the house to relax whereas everyone else wants to get home TO relax! So now after a long week of being at work, guess what? You now get to keep staring at the same fucking walls you’ve been staring at all week! Doesn’t that just sound amazingly relaxing?!

Written by: Del Rivers