Leaving the military has been by far the most difficult decision I have ever made and I never really sat down to try and understood the real reason why it was so difficult until now.

For those of you who may or may not know, back in 2006, I had just turned 19 when I joined because I was flunking pretty much every single one of my college classes. The military became a “scapegoat” of sorts so I wouldn’t have to deal with the cruel, harsh realities of the real word such as studying (yuck) or growing up (booo!).

What I never thought was that after 11 years of service, and finally deciding it was time to move on, that it would be the most painfully difficult decision of my life.

I have been extremely vocal throughout my military career about the “best”and “worst”parts of my career choice, however I never really considered why it was so painful for me, as an individual. So much so that I wrote about some valuable lessons I learned during my military career which you can read about here.

My mother passed away of complications due to cervical cancer on Wednesday, May 30th, 2007. The last time I saw her I was in my Class-A’s (at the time we wore the Army Green’s) after graduating from Basic Training, the approximate date would be right around mid March 2007. This would be the last time I would ever see my mother before she passed away.

I had already made peace with every other part of leaving the military but the real reason it hurt so much was because it was the last thing I had left in my life that reminded me of my youth, most importantly, the last moments of a life that included my mother. The last embrace, hug, kiss, comforting words that I ever gave to her were whilst wearing my Army Green’s and that to me is something that I took so seriously for so many years.

Deciding to finally take off my Army uniform for good means having the courage of letting go of these beautifully painful memories and it was something that I was not ready to do for so long. Perhaps this is the most difficult decision I have ever made because of my fear of letting go and forgetting everything she has ever meant to me.

I promise you this, Sandra I. Lopez Castro (my mothers full name), I will never forget what you meant to me or my siblings. You were the light that filled my life with inspiration, you were the voice that whispered into my ear when I was about to give up over a million times and convinced me that I was way more than I ever imagined.

I will never forget your ever lasting love and I promise you, that I do not need a uniform to remind me of you and the grace you have placed upon me and all of my brothers and sisters. I love you more than you will ever know and that’s what hurts the most…

Written by: Del Rivers